


MCdonald’s: a Heathers                         text fic

by WithAChainsaw



Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: 7/11, BQQQWUH, Beautiful, BigGulp, Candy Store, Comment for ideas/suggestions, Comments get to vote on Betty’s text name, CornNuts, Dead Girl Walking, Dead Girl Walking (reprise), Depictions of depression, Fight For Me, Heathers4Life, I Am Damaged, Is this even a healthy obsession, Kindergarten boyfriend, Lifeboat, Lifebt, MY DEAD GAY SON, Martha is also a BEAN, McNamara is a BEAN, Me Inside of Me, Meant To Be Yours, Multi, NOPE NOT BLUE, Ranch or BQ?, Seventeen (reprise), Seventeen - Freeform, Shine a Light, Shine a Light (reprise), Slushie, Textfic, Yo Girl, betty. just...betty, big fun, freeze your brain, our love is god, the_green_queen, un1cOrns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 09:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15771225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WithAChainsaw/pseuds/WithAChainsaw
Summary: What if Heathers was centered around Heather McNamara and her inner struggles? What if Dead Girl Walking didn’t happen the way it was supposed to?(Major textfic trash and some canon divergence AU. It actually has a plot, I swear)P.S., what’s your favorite Heathers: The Musical song? What should Betty Finn’s texting name be? Comment down below!





	1. Samsung

**Author's Note:**

> Heather Mac: lifebt  
> Veronica: BigGulp  
> Heather C: cornnuts  
> Heather D: the_green_queen  
> JD: Slushie  
> Martha: un1cOrns  
> Betty:?
> 
>  
> 
> Comments get to vote on Betty Finn’s text name!

_lifebt has added cornnuts, BigGulp, and the_green_queen to the conversation._

_lifebt has named the conversation “nachos”_

 

Monday 1:33 pm

_lifebt: hey guys i made a chat_

_the_green_queen: wow thanks captain obvs_

_BigGulp: wait what’s happening? can someone tell me what’s happening_

_cornnuts: what the fuck_

_lifebt: Heather what’s wrong_

_cornnuts: the messages are green. who owns a samsung_

_the_green_queen: me_

_cornnuts: shut up heather_

_cornnuts removed the_green_queen from the conversation._

_cornnuts: not in my christian chat room_

_BigGulp: i’m so confused_

_cornnuts: you should be. she is disgracing our group_

_lifebt added the_green_queen to the conversation._

_BigGulp: there’s this creepy guy staring at me_

_lifebt: what class are you in_

_BigGulp: bio with ms fleming. we wont dissect stuff tho because she’s kind of a hippie. the dude has weird greasy black hair and a dark trenchcoat. anything could hide in those deep pockets_

_lifebt: ew im coming_

_BigGulp: wait what but you’re in english right now_

_cornnuts: suck it up ronnie_

_the_green_queen: yeah_

_cornnuts: and you better get an iphone this year duke or you’re getting kicked out_

_lifebt: im here_

_BigGulp: IS THAT YOU KNOCKING WERE YOU ACTUALLY BEING SERIOUS_

_the_green_queen: (screaming_kermit.jpg)_

 

“Ms. Fleming?”

“What do you want?” the hippie said, taking one look at Heather McNamara’s sunny figure in the doorway and rolling her eyes. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

“I came to give this to Veronica,” she said, holding up her own water bottle. It was blue, and probably the only thing she owned that wasn’t yellow.

“Thanks for covering it up, Heather,” Veronica whispered, taking the bottle from McNamara. “The creepy guy is behind me.”

Heather walked past the guy nonchalantly, slipping a note between his statistics textbook and bio binder. She giggled to herself and walked a little quicker, out of the room and down the hallway to avoid Ms. Fleming’s suspicious gaze.

 

_lifebt: mission complete, squad_

_cornnuts: everyone better be free for the remington party next weekend_

_BigGulp: idk with my schedule yet_

_the_green_queen: i’m going because i’m cooler than you losers_

_BigGulp: UH OH ABORT FLEMING IS ONTO ME_

_the_green_queen: (screaming_kermit.jpg)_

_cornnuts: hah what a nerd_

 

“Veronica, you’re quiet. Could you read us question six, please?”

Rows of heads swiveled in Veronica’s direction, and she shivered. Tucking her phone discreetly under her thigh, she finally found where she was supposed to read.

“As Darwin proposed, biological evolution was linked to natural selection. He defined...”

 

_cornnuts: veronica’s got to be tripping on shrooms now thinking that she can hide from fleming_

_lifebt: OH NO SHE DOES DRUGS??? THOSE ARE BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH. They make you all icky and weird_

_cornnuts: jesus heather it was a joke_

_the_green_queen: oH nO iF sHe dOeS dRuGs I’m gOinG tO piSs mYsElF oH nO_

_cornnuts: you know what’s actually scary? i heard emmeiline talk in class today_

_lifebt: omg wHaT_

_cornnuts: ikr_

_lifebt: what was she talking about?_

_cornnuts: she was mumbling to herself like a 5-year-old when she was doodling those dragons and shit she does all the time in her notebook_

_the_green_queen: but was she coloring in the lines_

_cornnuts: of course not, doofus. she sounded like a timid little mouse. what a lameass_

_lifebt: yeah. no shit_


	2. Hot Probs

Monday 8:14 pm

 

_the_green_queen: hot probs keeps me up at night_

_lifebt: why_

_the_green_queen: (screaming_kermit.jpg)_

_cornnuts: stop sending that it’s annoying_

_BigGulp: hey tired bitches guess what_

_the_green_queen: what_

_BigGulp: my house is free right now. wanna come over_

_the_green_queen: it’s 8_

_BigGulp: exactly_

_lifebt: its a school night and i have a math exam tomorrow_

_BigGulp: exactly_

_lifebt: count me in_

_cornnuts: (~:_

_BigGulp: wow now I’m scared I think that’s the first time ive seen heather text a smiley face...and it’s backwards with a weird nose_

_cornnuts: (~:_

_the_green_queen: me too and heather that is a little creepy_

_cornnuts: (~: fuck you heather you cant tell me what to do_

_cornnuts: im heading over_

_BigGulp: NO TEXTING WHILE DRIVING_

_cornnuts: too late i already hit a utility pole and ran myself into a ditch_

_lifebt: WAIT REALLY HEATHER_

_cornnuts: no dumbass_

_cornnuts: anyways the blood blends in with the rest of my outfit. no one will ever know_

_the_green_queen: (screaming_kermit.jpg)_

_cornnuts: I SAID STOP HEATHER_

 

...

“Ok, what’s the plan here?” McNamara said.

“We’ll hang out, chat a little. Maybe we’ll get manicures,” Veronica explained.

“Wow. So fun,” Duke said. She glanced at her perfectly manicured, glossy green nails. “Too bad I already got one on Sunday.”

“Don’t you think Heather should’ve arrived by now? She’s the closest one to your house,” McNamara squeaked, her eyes darting back and forth like blue pinballs in an arcade machine.

“I’m sure she’s fine. Maybe she stopped at the 7/11 to get some corn nuts.”

_Ring. Ring._

It was Heather.

“Hello? You doing ok?” Veronica said.

“What the _hell_ ,” Heather hissed, sending angry static waves screaming through the phone speakers. “Some douchebag rammed my car.”

“Wait, really? I thought you were joking.”

“I was, until Mr. Reckless-Driving jacked up my bumper.”

“Whoa...uh-“

“This is all your fault, Veronica. If you didn’t invite us over in the middle of the fucking night, none of this would’ve happened.”

“Wait, what? Heather, you chose to come over.”

“Do you really want to try me? Here I am, standing on the side of the road because my expensive Mini Cooper is wrecked and smoking, and it’s starting to rain, and you’re blaming _me_ for all this?”

“Well, uh,” Veronica started, beginning to hear shuffling on the other end. “Heather, could you just-“

Veronica’s right ear had become victim to a loud, drawn-out beep.

“Be careful,” she sighed, and set her phone down, facing the other two Heathers.

“So, is she okay?” McNamara asked, shaking a little. Her hands were folded tightly in her lap and her shoulders quaked.

“Yeah. Her car is pretty jacked up, though.”

“Oh no.” McNamara frowned. “Will she get in trouble?”

“At least with her parents, I suppose.”

“Oh yes-I mean no,” Duke said, glancing at her nails again. “Poor, poor Heather.”

Both McNamara and Veronica gave her a confused look.

“Actually, I should probably head home. I forgot about my English quiz,” Duke said, picking herself up off of the navy carpet and opening the bedroom door.

“Wait,” McNamara said. “Don’t you have the same English class as me? We don’t have a quiz-“

_Click._

“So much for that,” Veronica sighed. “You going, too?”

“I’ll stay here. I want to make sure Heather is okay. And I don’t want you to be by yourself when we all promised we’d hang out.”

“Thanks, Heather,” Veronica said, and grinned. “So...you still up for a mani? Maybe we’ll pop some jiffy pop? Or watch some campy horror flicks?”

...

“Oh my God! Jud, don’t go in there! That knife won’t help you! Run!”

Heather McNamara was at a tipping point. Her speaking volume had climbed throughout _Pet Sematary_ until she was nearly screaming.

“Heather, take a chill pill. It’s just a campy flick.”

Heather‘s answer was more screaming. Lots and lots of screaming.

“No, shhh,” Veronica whispered. “We’ll wake my parents.”

Heather squeezed her eyes shut until she could see stars. “I can’t watch.”

“See? Look. It’s over now.”

Heather peeked, but shut her eyes again. “Just to make sure,” she muttered.

Heathers kept her eyes closed for the rest of the movie.


	3. Chapter 3

In progress...

**Author's Note:**

> Eek! My first text fic. Hope you guys like it! (All of this work was written and published by me. No one may reproduce, edit, or distribute my work in any way without my consent.) Anyone may comment. Kudos is appreciated!


End file.
